as i was reading serene's blog, what she wrote abt her rls put a smile on my face, knowing that shes so loved and certain and happy. i cant help but also have tears forming. the fact that she is so certain abt her rls with her partner that it doesnt worry her if they dont celebrate their anniversary, buy things or go to fancy restaurant because she knows that they have many more years to come to get those stuff fulfilled.

for me, i dont have the same security and the courage to trust and believe. or rather, i cant put myself into looking into the future once again. i did.. we did.. but it wasnt for long before smth happened and everything just seem to be back to square one. at times, i blamed him for showing me how great and sweet he can be because since the beginning of the rls, it was bitter. then after i tasted the sweet, i dont wan to taste the bitter part of the rls again. who would right? so now tt im back to square one.. well maybe one point five.. i kinda hated it but yet it's familiar to me that i dont really care much.

this rls, i live day by day. if i can get a phone call or a msg from him in a day, im contented and happy. i wont say im satisfied fully but it's good enough, i guess. everyday i wonder, how long will this rls last. we have been tgt for 2 years.. of which we spent 1.5 years away from each other and within this 1.5 years, i spent close to six months enjoying myself with someone else. i gave my all, my love and put in every effort i had from june to sept. i had the best 4 months of this rls. and like everyone says, all good things must come to an end. that sweetest and most loving period of my rls ended. this rls is sad, isnt it? will it ever start again? if it does, i will commit myself into it all over again? or will i actually 'protect' myself? when i let my defend wall down, i got hurt. that part which i risked and hated.

i never dared to talk abt my rls much coz none of my friends approve of this rls. none of them dont see why am i still in this rls. well im not asking for everyone's approval but it dont feel right when i know my closest darlings dont see eye to eye with me nor understand me. it came to a point where i never want to talk abt my rls with them anymore. i never dare tell new friends tt im attached because im not fully happy. im not the happy little girl in a rls. every inch of my rls muscles is in doubt, hoping and praying that everthing will just turn out fine for me. for this rls, there wasnt any courtship period. like we never went on date, he never asked me out, i didnt have that butterfly in my stomach feeling whenever im meeting him. i didnt even know when i became his gf. we dont have a exact date to even celebrate our 2nd yr anniversary. well.. and he told me this is what i get for dating an older guy. it's not all true but i just brush it off and not want to think abt it. coz then i'll start comparing.

when loz asked for my opinion on her wedding ideas or talked to me about her plan, i feel sad coz i know i will never get a chance to plan for my own wedding. not plus the fact that i dont wanna get married. but somehow i know it wont happen with the one i love, the one i currently love.

another one of my emo rls post.. on a happier note, one more paper to go and i shd be packing to return home! 20 true and false qnt, 1 page session plan and 3 page trg plan and i'll be all set to pack pack pack, party and fly. im actually missing my aussie friends already. i know it's lame but gosh i actually miss them!! =(